is some unfairness okay? and how do you decide how to spread opportunities?

When I started my job as a professor, I vowed that I would treat everyone in my lab fairly. (You can probably guess where I got this conviction).

I'm going to spare you the details and jump right to the end of this story: That didn't work very well. In fact, it was really, really stressful for me.

I have a limited amount of resources to spread around, and I've discovered a lot of barriers to the Treat Everyone The Same Plan:

1. Everyone needs something different in terms of mentoring. My lab represents a very diverse skill set. Some of my students entered their PhDs with very little experience with scientific writing. Others had publications under the belts. Some of them are a natural in the lab and others need a lot of hand holding and observation before I can set them loose to collect data reliably. Some like to be very independent, checking in only once or twice in any given semester, and some need regular meeting times to keep on track. I think it is more appropriate for me to meet my students where they are at, and mentor them as individuals, than it is for me to apply the exact same strategies to each of them.

2. Everyone has different career goals. A PhD in my area is incredibly flexible. The entire array of career goals are currently represented in my lab. (Although I am beginning to recruit students with a more specific path in mind). Because they have different career goals, they need me to help open different doors for them - some of them need to connect with community partners. Some need to publish a lot. Some need very specific applied training experiences. I can't give all of these to everyone. In part because....

...3. I have a limited amount of funding. And I need to spend it wisely. On things that will have a good return for me. I can't spend money sending Student A and Student B to Opportunity C when only Student B actually needs it. (And yes, students are required to pursue their own funding and their own training opportunities).

4. I have very clear and specific tenure needs. This is really where the rubber hits the road in terms of being "unfair" in my lab. I am fortunate - I have very clear expectations for tenure. Other professors do not. Some of my students help me progress on the path toward those goals and some don't. I am not willing to spend my resources (time, funding, money for training, etc) on things that can't help me accomplish those goals. This is ultimately how I decide to spread resources around.

I've accepted that I can't be 100% even, as I intended when I was a n00b Assistant Professor. What I am having a hard time with, however, is addressing the difficulties this creates in the lab. For example, sometimes Graduate Student X will complain about something that Graduate Student Y gets to do - even when that task is completely contraindicated given Graduate Student X's career plans. When I point these things out, no one is appeased.

I should restate that more clearly - I'm having a hard time dealing with my own emotions about my graduate students (correctly) perceiving that things are not 100% equally distributed in the lab. They don't seem to understand the above points, and I need to accept that this isn't something I can expect them to be okay with. Which means I need to deal with my own discomfort at being perceived as unequal - because I would be a fool to try and mentor any other way. Not everyone would get their own needs met, and I would be quickly out of money.